Metamorphosis

I’m sitting in my school cafe now as I write this.

The cafe is small but cosy. The intimacy of a lack of space does more than people think it does. The molecules of thought for every individual diffuses to a smaller extent as we relish in the life that is our own. The sun shines down on me. A rare occurence because the Pacific Northwest is notoriously selfish in dealing out rays of optimiism. But we have it today. Spirits can hardly be dampened as I look at the frolicking of a dog and his owner.

I meant to set a sombre and reflective tone for this entry but the sight of dog-fetching-enormous-branch is just too hilarious for words. Can you imagine, a dog fetching a branche that is twice it’s length. Too funny

I guess life is great. And metamorphosis occurs in everyone of us. Physical as well as emotion change takes place every minute, every second.

friendship sex and love

Friendship seems as light as water sometimes. We all claim it’ll be thicker than blood and we’re just like a block of butter. Uh huh, it just takes a change in climate to break it down.

My roommate was fucking her boyfriend in the adjoining room. I say fucking because it is obviously not love making to me. How could it be when she’s sharing him with another girl. Modern polygamy at its best. She says she’s cool with it. Whatever.

I saw Kgirl sitting by herself in the cafeteria today. Somehow I feel that we have drifted apart in the last week. All because I criticized her on how she’s still obsessing about her ex-bf. Who is the most multi-dimensional person I’ve ever seen. He jumps from whim to whim but right now he’s on his most steadfast quest yet. Pot. How original. I’m like, yeah dude, fuck your life up dumbass.

But Kgirl, she’s a sad story, she asks me if he is SAD, if he is sad because of HER.I was like ,WTH!!!He can’t be happier. Everyone is fucking disappointed in her. But you know, what can we do. What can I do.

I’ve only got this much love to give and after G squished every little bit of hope in me; I feel like a dried up prune. And right now, I’ve got some very important decisions to make. Like whether I should just give up my quest for T-R-U-E   L-O-V-E and settle for some carnal pleasure. There is just one problem of course. I can’t have sex without love.

Lol. Funny how you can’t go astray even you so desperately want to.

Commitment Issues

It is interesting how students on the same campus can have such diverse views on relationships.

Kgirl is sworn to celibacy and the mention of ONS make her cringe in discomfort.

Well, she’s one of the 0.001% left in my school who still believes in virginity. After all, sex isn’t even a relationship specialty anymore. Sex is a tidbit, a game of tug-and-freeze. Sex is so integrated into our day to day speech. fuck that. who gives a fuck. i don’t fucking care. Which is oh so very true. The horrifying thing is, sex means next to nothing. It’s so built into this faux-communism notion that sharing your body is part of the bargain as well.

I have been grappling with this issue myself. Should I just let go or should I build a high wall around my morals? Friday night proved to be a point of temptation. Door was closed, the room only had me and him. In his room. I made a move to leave but he persuaded me to stay, saying that he’ll sleep on the couch. Well, he did. And I did stay and sleep in his bed.

My roommate said I should’ve asked him to share the bed with me but well, I don’t do things this way. Besides, I’m not in the mood to get hurt/pissed off by another guy again without such a short span of time. And more importantly… I had a paper due the next day. How pragmatic.

It is not to say that I don’t regret it. I would love to be in his arms actually, without sex. It’ll be nice to cuddle up to someone and have a peaceful night’s sleep. But that would, again, complicate things, for me at least. I think it is incorrect for me to suggest such a thing especially when he just broke up with his girlfriend and said that he doesn’t want to start a new relationship. Well, neither do I. I’m just so tired of playing the BGR game. In case you’re wondering, he is very cute and very intelligent. We had a great conversation and he said that he didn’t know that i was such a ‘good conversationalist’.

Well, we’ll see what happens this weekend. It’s gonna be pretty exciting.

Stop and Stare

Once you stop in your tracks and take a good look at what is happening around you, everything becomes so much simpler.

I’ve rationally thought through my reasons for liking him and as expected, it’s a combination of loneliness, attraction to intellect and lust. However, his character does rank pretty low on the list. I hate to lose but there is really no point winning something that I can’t win since winning wasn’t my intension in the first place. His faults seemed to burst in full bloom last friday. Not keeping promises, not talking to me when he asked me to attend that event. Ok… if that isn’t a FUCK YOU I don’t know what is. Anyway, I realized that he isn’t that special anyway. I see a very average guy laughing along with the rest of the plebians.

Hahaha.Let’s see who has the last laugh.

Today was a rainy day.

My morning jog was disrupted by an unwelcoming gray sky alongside a sleepy staccato of pitter-pattering. I saw him again this morning but felt nothing special. Didn’t want to rush forth and talk to him or anything. Which is good news because I’m probably on the way to recovery.

Signs that he likes You

1. He looks nervous when he speaks to you.

2. He behaves in an almost childish way.

3. He looks for opportunities to hang out with you. Eg, walk with you to a certain place after bumping into you for no apparent reason.

4. He invites you out often.

Here’s the complication

I’ve been through this and guess what? He isn’t in a position to ‘reciprocate’ and wasn’t ‘romantically interested’ in me. So I guess this is good luck aka guys behave like aliens.

fucked up trust

Why is it that I am so demanding of everyone and everything?

To be honest, I don’t accept criticisms very well. Perhaps they just remind me too much of my past where discouragement is a prominent feature in the family.

Then again, I’m tired of keeping scores. Sometimes you just have to turn the other cheek.  Or walk away. Life is too short to be befuddled with simple and stupid pettiness.

And almost everyone in the circle know of my ‘confession of love’. Seriously, people should shut their fucking mouths. Smiling through clenched teeth, I nodded politely and said it’s alright that they know, since they will know eventually anyway. Nonetheless, I have learnt my lesson and I won’t be so goddamn stupid the next time. IF there is ever a next time.

And I take back what I said.

I said I hope you’re happy.

Well, screw you. Who cares whether you’re happy or not. But I guess it doesn’t matter to you since you haven’t got much emotions anyway.

Other Commitments.

That’s his reason for replying my messages slowly. Or not at all.

Well, that’s brilliant isn’t it? Let’s see, shall we include ‘breathing’ as one of the top commitments? But you know what? It really doesn’t matter anymore. I used to think that I was hurt because I really love you. But I guess it’s all a matter of pride. Learning to accept occasional/rare failures is a virtue too.

You’re ridiculous. I hate you.

Liberation

Romance? Screw romance. Moving on is the best aphrodisiac.

Yes reader, I have taken the plunge. I have told G that I like him. It all happened two days ago, leaving me with so much happiness and inner peace that I no longer felt confused and helpless like before. It was in a modern Mexican joint  that I stuttered the three words. It was like the beginnings of a cough. Your throat itches to expel the irritant and somehow, without consciously trying, the fateful words flew out.

I like you.

Surprisingly, or not so surprisingly, his face betrayed no emotion. It was all a mathematical problem to him. Nodding gently, he told me that he appreciated me telling him this and it must have taken me alot of courage to be able to reveal my feelings for him. However, he was ‘not in a position to reciprocate’ since he has a girlfriend  and he isn’t ‘romantically interested’ in me despite the fact that i’m ‘pretty, smart etc’.

Honestly… I didn’t feel as bad as I thought I would have. I even felt like laughing! The range of his emotions is about the distance of my thumb from my index finger. In short, it was ridiculous. He approached the whle issue like it was a simple math equation. And his proposed solution was ‘Perhaps we should reassess our relationship… We can hang out with other people instead of just us alone.’

Mmhmm. Could the solution be less obvious?

Then he popped another question – are you lonely? 

This caused me to burst out in laughter and said, “Please! I’m not that kind of girl who likes random guys just because she has to!” He nodded gravely and appeared to be deep in thought. Smiling, I asked him if he was doing an anthropological study of me, after all, social science majors can be a little wonky at times. He replied no and said that he merely wanted to analyze the psychological aspect of it.

Guys, why can’t they understand that love is in fact a very random thing at times. Liking someone does not require prerequisites. True, have a mental guideline is what most people do but in reality, love can strike at the strangest places with the least expected people. If one wishes to rationalize the whole thing, it would deny love of its most mysterious and powerful flavor. Furthermore, an attempt at reaching a conclusion does not mean that the final conclusion is actually valid. For emotions are as unpredictable as the skies in the pacific northwest.

Friends that I’ve recounted this incident to told me, “Maybe he does have feelings for you, if not he wouldn’t meet up with you so often.”

Well, they have missed the fundamental purposes of speech. It is to communicate what one party wishes the other party to hear. If he says that he is not interested in me, I have to take it at face value and believe it. What is the point of second-guessing if he already revealed his future path of action regardless of what he actually thinks or does not think.

This is a problem with a lot of girls, we can’t accept facts as facts and we seek to corroborate with other sources or start our own interpretation and investigation of the whole issue. All these activities are incredible consumers of time and this time can be put to much better use.

Nevertheless, I still urge girls (and guys) to say whatever is truly on their minds. It will make things much less complicated and you will never expect the amount of pain it can actually reduce.

All the best.

P.S G and I have met once after that fateful day and we still smile and talk to each other happily like before. We’re going to have dinner next week with a bunch of friends too. So please, don’t think that revealing your feelings will necessarily screw up the past friendship. In fact, this friendship might even be cemented.