Nesting on a Couch (and thinking about bullet trains)

Sitting and just dreaming, I float in and out of consciousness…

Thinking of how the past day was spent and fretting about how to spend the next day. Shall I have eggs and sausages or should I have waffles with ladles of maple syrup?

And while I’m at that, perhaps I should just tilt my head ever so often to make sure that he’s not there… But of course he won’t be there, he’s still playing World of Warcraft. As expected. He will never be here, he will never be back. And even if he comes back, I would have left.

Funny how a cartoon in my history class applies to real life. It was a cartoon about how a Japanese man in the 1920s viewed modernity – as a speeding train no less, with no end in sight. Similarly, romance is like the bullet train to me. Sure, it’s supposed to be your one path to heaven (or so hollywood romance moves would have us believe) but the question that arises is, so then, how do you get on board?

All I’ve gotten so far is a few nasty nips in my heart for trying too hard. And guess what? I’m happy to stand aside as an observer. For the time being.

Lyrics and Glances.

He seemed like everything perfect. Great voice, nice eyes, tall, handsome, intellectual in the way I want it.

Problem is. I’m theoratically someone else’s. I’m a piece of marked property.

Right now, I just want to rant about how good it felt… How I wanted it to just go on and on and on… But no fucking way. All good things come to an end. Sleeping with him during RF, and then last night…

Oh God………………… I’m truly a most horrible person. It’s true, I’m fucking torn.

Milking the Tree of Knowledge and getting fucked in all ways.

I wanted to know if he loved me.

He did. And so we fucked our brains out. We rolled on waves and waves of ecstasy to promises of “I love you forever, you and you alone”.

I wanted to know if he truly loved me. He said yes. I told him I wasn’t sure if I really loved him. How could I love someone that I wasn’t meant to be with? How could I love him with such an intensity and yet it was mixed with severe ambivalence when all is calm and quiet? How could I want to possess his body mind and spirit when it was revealed, after two and a half years, that I was number twenty-four? And no, I cannot possibly overtake his fucking goddess who is a perfect ten.

How could you exceed a perfect ten? That’s the maximum and she is a goddess.

I want to be A HUNDRED, A MILLION, INFINITELY better. Every sin hurts and mine is the bloody sin of jealousy. I accept nothing less than absolute possession and that’s what I see him as, all mine.

And yet, he finally confess to me that for a period of time, all he wanted me for was sex. SEX, SEX!!!!!!

True love? FUCK true love. Seems like lust is the only duct tape on our crumbling relationship.

However, at the same time, I want to get fucked by him so badly. I want him to fuck my brains out and infuse every single pore in my body with what is his. He’s the only person that i can envision melting into. It is with him that I surrender my heart and soul. When I’m with him… I am completely at ease with the world.

But, could it be because I’m seduced by that which I am not supposed to have? I’m not another Pamela! I’m not a sex toy!!! I’M NOT A SEX TOY!!!!!

Who ever said that a sex toy is only meant for fucking? How about the time spent coaxing her into bed, fucking her silly and cuddling her into the sunrise in the name of love?

Or am I a sex kitten? Perhaps he likes it when I sink my claws into him one moment and purr while rubbing against him the next? He looks at me adoringly like I actually matter. It is that gaze of honest love and adoration that melts away all my inhibitions like a lethal heatwave.

I just want to fuse as one with him and maximize skin contact with him on so many levels. Calling his name to remind myself that I am truly making love to him, I ran my hands all over his body and pressed against him. Moans of pleasure escapes him and it only makes me want to fuck him harder and longer.

Can I be yours? I want to be yours. But in the process, I want to eradicate all those that were before me and burn them to the ground.

Somehow love making turned into war. We both want to win. We both want each other to come first. However, I’m usually the one who surrenders first as waves of pleasure hits me. Flipping me over, he thrusts deep inside me while playing with my ass and breasts. I want you now…I tried saying. What emitted from my mouth were moans signaling to him that I was about to come, resulting in increased speed and intensity.

Pushed to the brink, I could no longer contain myself and allowed waves of contraction to hit me, washing my body in fulfillment and love.

I would turn back and glance at him with a smile, as if to say, you made me come again. i love you.

Sometimes I verbalize it, at other times, I would have no time to say anything before he starts to slam against me and reduce me to a quivering ball of lust once more.

I meant for this post to sound angry and hateful. But now, I just wish he is right here beside me so that I can tell him how much I love him.

Before fucking him silly.

Overdue.

I just heard from Y a while back. Just to clue you in, he’s my ex-boyfriend and has been pestering me nonstop for the last six months. Which part of ‘I don’t want to hear from you ever’ did he not understand? Finally, I resorted to my final trick – told him that I am with someone else now.

Accusatory messages came furiously. He asked me who the new guy was and how long I had been with him. Unsurprisingly, I ignored him. He fired me an email again today. Saying that he doesn’t care about my ‘philosophies’ but wants me to return the gift that he’s supposed to pass to his friend. Ok, my bad.

But honestly, no one ever told me breaking up would be such a FUCKING pain. I thought it simply assumed communicating your feelings to that person and parting ways. This feels like the Cold War. He’s stalin-esquely persistent in annoying me.

Seriously, I should have just left him after the first six months. Not that I didn’t try to. I still remember my feeble attempt at breaking up. We were at the coast and I told him it’s over. Tears streamed down his face and he threatened suicide. He wanted to walk into the sea and perish’. What seems to me like complete folly now was interpreted by me as the strength of love then. I thought he loved me so much, he’s willing to die for me. Well, now I know it was a complete stunt to imprison me. I enveloped him in my arms and murmured that I would never leave him. Wiping his tears, I showered kisses upon him. However, I felt a sense of dread too. The courage that I built up evaporated in that half hour. It felt as though I was sinking into quicksand. And he was catalyzing the process by pulling me into it.

Today, I realized what a fool I was to believe him.

Girls, if a guy nine years older than you wants to date you, think about why. Is it because of true love, or is it (more likely) to be because he cannot find girls his age because of certain yet to be uncovered reasons?

My first relationship is a total joke. I was sneaking around with him for THREE whole years. THREE! I pretend that I don’t regret it. But I DO. I FUCKING regret it.

Past and Present

Reconciling the past with present is never easy.

While wishing that I had remained celibate, my body thirst for physical pleasure. Lust coils around my resolve like a serpent; squeezing the life out of it…almost. At this junction, I still retain a morsel of sanity. Through St Augustine I learn the value of spiritual fulfillment and the importance of avoiding corruption. The veil that cloaked my relationship with God begins to quiver as I start to question the purpose of my existence. Surely I am not in this world to purely experience physical pleasure. Physical pleasure that numbs the senses and subsequently the brain.

I begin to look heavenwards.

Lord God, with all the sins that your children have committed, how can you ever forgive them? If men were to give birth, how topsy curvy would this world be in the future? I always forget that life is a divine treat and I always end up taking it as a given. Nevertheless, I begin to realize the value of humility and right now, I am submitting myself to the forces of nature.

Guide me.

I shall listen and act according…but pray, guide me, oh Lord.

friendship sex and love

Friendship seems as light as water sometimes. We all claim it’ll be thicker than blood and we’re just like a block of butter. Uh huh, it just takes a change in climate to break it down.

My roommate was fucking her boyfriend in the adjoining room. I say fucking because it is obviously not love making to me. How could it be when she’s sharing him with another girl. Modern polygamy at its best. She says she’s cool with it. Whatever.

I saw Kgirl sitting by herself in the cafeteria today. Somehow I feel that we have drifted apart in the last week. All because I criticized her on how she’s still obsessing about her ex-bf. Who is the most multi-dimensional person I’ve ever seen. He jumps from whim to whim but right now he’s on his most steadfast quest yet. Pot. How original. I’m like, yeah dude, fuck your life up dumbass.

But Kgirl, she’s a sad story, she asks me if he is SAD, if he is sad because of HER.I was like ,WTH!!!He can’t be happier. Everyone is fucking disappointed in her. But you know, what can we do. What can I do.

I’ve only got this much love to give and after G squished every little bit of hope in me; I feel like a dried up prune. And right now, I’ve got some very important decisions to make. Like whether I should just give up my quest for T-R-U-E   L-O-V-E and settle for some carnal pleasure. There is just one problem of course. I can’t have sex without love.

Lol. Funny how you can’t go astray even you so desperately want to.

Commitment Issues

It is interesting how students on the same campus can have such diverse views on relationships.

Kgirl is sworn to celibacy and the mention of ONS make her cringe in discomfort.

Well, she’s one of the 0.001% left in my school who still believes in virginity. After all, sex isn’t even a relationship specialty anymore. Sex is a tidbit, a game of tug-and-freeze. Sex is so integrated into our day to day speech. fuck that. who gives a fuck. i don’t fucking care. Which is oh so very true. The horrifying thing is, sex means next to nothing. It’s so built into this faux-communism notion that sharing your body is part of the bargain as well.

I have been grappling with this issue myself. Should I just let go or should I build a high wall around my morals? Friday night proved to be a point of temptation. Door was closed, the room only had me and him. In his room. I made a move to leave but he persuaded me to stay, saying that he’ll sleep on the couch. Well, he did. And I did stay and sleep in his bed.

My roommate said I should’ve asked him to share the bed with me but well, I don’t do things this way. Besides, I’m not in the mood to get hurt/pissed off by another guy again without such a short span of time. And more importantly… I had a paper due the next day. How pragmatic.

It is not to say that I don’t regret it. I would love to be in his arms actually, without sex. It’ll be nice to cuddle up to someone and have a peaceful night’s sleep. But that would, again, complicate things, for me at least. I think it is incorrect for me to suggest such a thing especially when he just broke up with his girlfriend and said that he doesn’t want to start a new relationship. Well, neither do I. I’m just so tired of playing the BGR game. In case you’re wondering, he is very cute and very intelligent. We had a great conversation and he said that he didn’t know that i was such a ‘good conversationalist’.

Well, we’ll see what happens this weekend. It’s gonna be pretty exciting.

Signs that he likes You

1. He looks nervous when he speaks to you.

2. He behaves in an almost childish way.

3. He looks for opportunities to hang out with you. Eg, walk with you to a certain place after bumping into you for no apparent reason.

4. He invites you out often.

Here’s the complication

I’ve been through this and guess what? He isn’t in a position to ‘reciprocate’ and wasn’t ‘romantically interested’ in me. So I guess this is good luck aka guys behave like aliens.

Liberation

Romance? Screw romance. Moving on is the best aphrodisiac.

Yes reader, I have taken the plunge. I have told G that I like him. It all happened two days ago, leaving me with so much happiness and inner peace that I no longer felt confused and helpless like before. It was in a modern Mexican joint  that I stuttered the three words. It was like the beginnings of a cough. Your throat itches to expel the irritant and somehow, without consciously trying, the fateful words flew out.

I like you.

Surprisingly, or not so surprisingly, his face betrayed no emotion. It was all a mathematical problem to him. Nodding gently, he told me that he appreciated me telling him this and it must have taken me alot of courage to be able to reveal my feelings for him. However, he was ‘not in a position to reciprocate’ since he has a girlfriend  and he isn’t ‘romantically interested’ in me despite the fact that i’m ‘pretty, smart etc’.

Honestly… I didn’t feel as bad as I thought I would have. I even felt like laughing! The range of his emotions is about the distance of my thumb from my index finger. In short, it was ridiculous. He approached the whle issue like it was a simple math equation. And his proposed solution was ‘Perhaps we should reassess our relationship… We can hang out with other people instead of just us alone.’

Mmhmm. Could the solution be less obvious?

Then he popped another question – are you lonely? 

This caused me to burst out in laughter and said, “Please! I’m not that kind of girl who likes random guys just because she has to!” He nodded gravely and appeared to be deep in thought. Smiling, I asked him if he was doing an anthropological study of me, after all, social science majors can be a little wonky at times. He replied no and said that he merely wanted to analyze the psychological aspect of it.

Guys, why can’t they understand that love is in fact a very random thing at times. Liking someone does not require prerequisites. True, have a mental guideline is what most people do but in reality, love can strike at the strangest places with the least expected people. If one wishes to rationalize the whole thing, it would deny love of its most mysterious and powerful flavor. Furthermore, an attempt at reaching a conclusion does not mean that the final conclusion is actually valid. For emotions are as unpredictable as the skies in the pacific northwest.

Friends that I’ve recounted this incident to told me, “Maybe he does have feelings for you, if not he wouldn’t meet up with you so often.”

Well, they have missed the fundamental purposes of speech. It is to communicate what one party wishes the other party to hear. If he says that he is not interested in me, I have to take it at face value and believe it. What is the point of second-guessing if he already revealed his future path of action regardless of what he actually thinks or does not think.

This is a problem with a lot of girls, we can’t accept facts as facts and we seek to corroborate with other sources or start our own interpretation and investigation of the whole issue. All these activities are incredible consumers of time and this time can be put to much better use.

Nevertheless, I still urge girls (and guys) to say whatever is truly on their minds. It will make things much less complicated and you will never expect the amount of pain it can actually reduce.

All the best.

P.S G and I have met once after that fateful day and we still smile and talk to each other happily like before. We’re going to have dinner next week with a bunch of friends too. So please, don’t think that revealing your feelings will necessarily screw up the past friendship. In fact, this friendship might even be cemented.

What Used to Be.

I hate the way your eyes bore into mine. The amount of warmth is almost suggestive. Now I wanna possess you. You have to be mine. It can no longer be me and you. From now on, it’s us.

I remember how you shook that apple tree… and picked berries for me from the sidewalk bush. We were so happy then. You made fun of me, called me ’sassy’ and claimed that you knew that I was approaching from a mile away. I giggled slightly. Delirious with the happiness that was filling me. Could this be true? Sunshine, laughter and freshly picked fruits? Well, I was jolted back to the real world with the thought that it was the fall break. Soon, you’ll be back in her arms. And she in yours. As for me, I continue to live with replayed memories and ingenious fantasies of what could have been.

We could have been so happy together. We could have. Life has a funny way of making you doubly sure of the people or rather, person, you can’t have. He stands before you but you cannot embrace him. Well, friends tell me, go for it. Tell him that you like him. But how could I? Even the worse gambler knows in her heart that the chips aren’t enough this time.

To love is a gift but to forget is a blessing.