Milking the Tree of Knowledge and getting fucked in all ways.

I wanted to know if he loved me.

He did. And so we fucked our brains out. We rolled on waves and waves of ecstasy to promises of “I love you forever, you and you alone”.

I wanted to know if he truly loved me. He said yes. I told him I wasn’t sure if I really loved him. How could I love someone that I wasn’t meant to be with? How could I love him with such an intensity and yet it was mixed with severe ambivalence when all is calm and quiet? How could I want to possess his body mind and spirit when it was revealed, after two and a half years, that I was number twenty-four? And no, I cannot possibly overtake his fucking goddess who is a perfect ten.

How could you exceed a perfect ten? That’s the maximum and she is a goddess.

I want to be A HUNDRED, A MILLION, INFINITELY better. Every sin hurts and mine is the bloody sin of jealousy. I accept nothing less than absolute possession and that’s what I see him as, all mine.

And yet, he finally confess to me that for a period of time, all he wanted me for was sex. SEX, SEX!!!!!!

True love? FUCK true love. Seems like lust is the only duct tape on our crumbling relationship.

However, at the same time, I want to get fucked by him so badly. I want him to fuck my brains out and infuse every single pore in my body with what is his. He’s the only person that i can envision melting into. It is with him that I surrender my heart and soul. When I’m with him… I am completely at ease with the world.

But, could it be because I’m seduced by that which I am not supposed to have? I’m not another Pamela! I’m not a sex toy!!! I’M NOT A SEX TOY!!!!!

Who ever said that a sex toy is only meant for fucking? How about the time spent coaxing her into bed, fucking her silly and cuddling her into the sunrise in the name of love?

Or am I a sex kitten? Perhaps he likes it when I sink my claws into him one moment and purr while rubbing against him the next? He looks at me adoringly like I actually matter. It is that gaze of honest love and adoration that melts away all my inhibitions like a lethal heatwave.

I just want to fuse as one with him and maximize skin contact with him on so many levels. Calling his name to remind myself that I am truly making love to him, I ran my hands all over his body and pressed against him. Moans of pleasure escapes him and it only makes me want to fuck him harder and longer.

Can I be yours? I want to be yours. But in the process, I want to eradicate all those that were before me and burn them to the ground.

Somehow love making turned into war. We both want to win. We both want each other to come first. However, I’m usually the one who surrenders first as waves of pleasure hits me. Flipping me over, he thrusts deep inside me while playing with my ass and breasts. I want you now…I tried saying. What emitted from my mouth were moans signaling to him that I was about to come, resulting in increased speed and intensity.

Pushed to the brink, I could no longer contain myself and allowed waves of contraction to hit me, washing my body in fulfillment and love.

I would turn back and glance at him with a smile, as if to say, you made me come again. i love you.

Sometimes I verbalize it, at other times, I would have no time to say anything before he starts to slam against me and reduce me to a quivering ball of lust once more.

I meant for this post to sound angry and hateful. But now, I just wish he is right here beside me so that I can tell him how much I love him.

Before fucking him silly.

Commitment Issues

It is interesting how students on the same campus can have such diverse views on relationships.

Kgirl is sworn to celibacy and the mention of ONS make her cringe in discomfort.

Well, she’s one of the 0.001% left in my school who still believes in virginity. After all, sex isn’t even a relationship specialty anymore. Sex is a tidbit, a game of tug-and-freeze. Sex is so integrated into our day to day speech. fuck that. who gives a fuck. i don’t fucking care. Which is oh so very true. The horrifying thing is, sex means next to nothing. It’s so built into this faux-communism notion that sharing your body is part of the bargain as well.

I have been grappling with this issue myself. Should I just let go or should I build a high wall around my morals? Friday night proved to be a point of temptation. Door was closed, the room only had me and him. In his room. I made a move to leave but he persuaded me to stay, saying that he’ll sleep on the couch. Well, he did. And I did stay and sleep in his bed.

My roommate said I should’ve asked him to share the bed with me but well, I don’t do things this way. Besides, I’m not in the mood to get hurt/pissed off by another guy again without such a short span of time. And more importantly… I had a paper due the next day. How pragmatic.

It is not to say that I don’t regret it. I would love to be in his arms actually, without sex. It’ll be nice to cuddle up to someone and have a peaceful night’s sleep. But that would, again, complicate things, for me at least. I think it is incorrect for me to suggest such a thing especially when he just broke up with his girlfriend and said that he doesn’t want to start a new relationship. Well, neither do I. I’m just so tired of playing the BGR game. In case you’re wondering, he is very cute and very intelligent. We had a great conversation and he said that he didn’t know that i was such a ‘good conversationalist’.

Well, we’ll see what happens this weekend. It’s gonna be pretty exciting.

Signs that he likes You

1. He looks nervous when he speaks to you.

2. He behaves in an almost childish way.

3. He looks for opportunities to hang out with you. Eg, walk with you to a certain place after bumping into you for no apparent reason.

4. He invites you out often.

Here’s the complication

I’ve been through this and guess what? He isn’t in a position to ‘reciprocate’ and wasn’t ‘romantically interested’ in me. So I guess this is good luck aka guys behave like aliens.

fucked up trust

Why is it that I am so demanding of everyone and everything?

To be honest, I don’t accept criticisms very well. Perhaps they just remind me too much of my past where discouragement is a prominent feature in the family.

Then again, I’m tired of keeping scores. Sometimes you just have to turn the other cheek.  Or walk away. Life is too short to be befuddled with simple and stupid pettiness.

And almost everyone in the circle know of my ‘confession of love’. Seriously, people should shut their fucking mouths. Smiling through clenched teeth, I nodded politely and said it’s alright that they know, since they will know eventually anyway. Nonetheless, I have learnt my lesson and I won’t be so goddamn stupid the next time. IF there is ever a next time.

And I take back what I said.

I said I hope you’re happy.

Well, screw you. Who cares whether you’re happy or not. But I guess it doesn’t matter to you since you haven’t got much emotions anyway.

Liberation

Romance? Screw romance. Moving on is the best aphrodisiac.

Yes reader, I have taken the plunge. I have told G that I like him. It all happened two days ago, leaving me with so much happiness and inner peace that I no longer felt confused and helpless like before. It was in a modern Mexican joint  that I stuttered the three words. It was like the beginnings of a cough. Your throat itches to expel the irritant and somehow, without consciously trying, the fateful words flew out.

I like you.

Surprisingly, or not so surprisingly, his face betrayed no emotion. It was all a mathematical problem to him. Nodding gently, he told me that he appreciated me telling him this and it must have taken me alot of courage to be able to reveal my feelings for him. However, he was ‘not in a position to reciprocate’ since he has a girlfriend  and he isn’t ‘romantically interested’ in me despite the fact that i’m ‘pretty, smart etc’.

Honestly… I didn’t feel as bad as I thought I would have. I even felt like laughing! The range of his emotions is about the distance of my thumb from my index finger. In short, it was ridiculous. He approached the whle issue like it was a simple math equation. And his proposed solution was ‘Perhaps we should reassess our relationship… We can hang out with other people instead of just us alone.’

Mmhmm. Could the solution be less obvious?

Then he popped another question – are you lonely? 

This caused me to burst out in laughter and said, “Please! I’m not that kind of girl who likes random guys just because she has to!” He nodded gravely and appeared to be deep in thought. Smiling, I asked him if he was doing an anthropological study of me, after all, social science majors can be a little wonky at times. He replied no and said that he merely wanted to analyze the psychological aspect of it.

Guys, why can’t they understand that love is in fact a very random thing at times. Liking someone does not require prerequisites. True, have a mental guideline is what most people do but in reality, love can strike at the strangest places with the least expected people. If one wishes to rationalize the whole thing, it would deny love of its most mysterious and powerful flavor. Furthermore, an attempt at reaching a conclusion does not mean that the final conclusion is actually valid. For emotions are as unpredictable as the skies in the pacific northwest.

Friends that I’ve recounted this incident to told me, “Maybe he does have feelings for you, if not he wouldn’t meet up with you so often.”

Well, they have missed the fundamental purposes of speech. It is to communicate what one party wishes the other party to hear. If he says that he is not interested in me, I have to take it at face value and believe it. What is the point of second-guessing if he already revealed his future path of action regardless of what he actually thinks or does not think.

This is a problem with a lot of girls, we can’t accept facts as facts and we seek to corroborate with other sources or start our own interpretation and investigation of the whole issue. All these activities are incredible consumers of time and this time can be put to much better use.

Nevertheless, I still urge girls (and guys) to say whatever is truly on their minds. It will make things much less complicated and you will never expect the amount of pain it can actually reduce.

All the best.

P.S G and I have met once after that fateful day and we still smile and talk to each other happily like before. We’re going to have dinner next week with a bunch of friends too. So please, don’t think that revealing your feelings will necessarily screw up the past friendship. In fact, this friendship might even be cemented.